life of a theatrical loser

2004-05-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

It’s a red velvet hat…with flowers on the side.

God I cant get enough of that.

Nothing is new in theatre.

Michelle Seaton was cast in a movie with this guy…color me jealous. I wish Pat Allen could meet him and do his hilarious rendition of “Fuck me in the Ass Mr. Frodo.” It would be sweet.

If y’all wanna see the rough outline of the brochure for next season, click here. Keep in mind those are very low quality jpegs.

As nice as it is for me personally, I haven’t seen Neal Starbird in a while, so I don’t have any fresh information about his life. All I know is the man plays this game a lot. Heheheh. Busted.

There is an audition coming up for Stark Raving Theatre’s Christmas show “The Cold Comedy Concoction,” and I know what I said before, about not acting, but this looks like it really could be a lot of fun. So I think I will audition for it. I wanted to audition with my girlfriend, but she is doing like 40 million shows at the same time.

I saw the show The Bald Soprano last night, and was pleasantly surprised. Walking in on it I thought the set would fall on me, but with some really good acting, and some really bad acting, it was definitely worth the money. If you are a fan of absurdist theatre, check it out for sure. Its at the Russel Street Theatre on NE Russel and MLKish.

Joseph Bolenbaugh, Val Landrum, and Jesse Marshal are particularly good.

Well, I am sort of treading water here. Love you all.

2004-05-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

I just noticed Neal's father posted a comment below.

That's kind of embarassing.

I don't know who gave him the link, but it has Julie Starbird's southern biscuit smell all over it.

Pardon me for continually bashing your son sir, but sometimes he derserves it.

Like I deserve Hawaiian Punch

2004-05-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I showed up at my callback and everyone was gone. It was like a nightmare. Like the nightmare I had where I was getting intimate with my significant other and my penis turned into frosted flakes.

I am now balls-deep in the annual Subscription Drive for Stark Raving Theatre!

It’s a hellava deal!
4 shows for $50!
WANNA BUY ONE!?!?!

LET ME KNOW!!!

I have a quota to fill for subscriptions. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Chris, what did it feel like having a cock made of Kellogg’s?”

It felt grrrrrrrrrreat.

But if you were thinking “Chris, why would you have a quota, don’t you work like 89 bazillion hours a week for SRT?”

Why yes I do, and I still have time to whup ass at WC3 and get tender. But you see fans, I need to be under the same rigorous expectations as the rest of the SRT cast and board. SURE I might be SUPER important and OK….the company would crumble into bits if I weren’t there. But Hey!

Its all for the love of theatre. And blow jobs. Mostly theatre though.

So I got back from Montana visiting this guy. While there I managed to see a wonderful performance of the Missoula Children’s Theatre (or as the cool fuckers say MCT) starring this guy.

I will now give “The Tales of Hans Christian Anderson” a full review.

I must say it was quite enjoyable. Especially during the “Emperor’s New Clothes” bit where my friend Matt’s junk was emphasized in his underwear while tiny children pointed right at it and laughed. It was honest, and raw. In SRT terms, it was bold and provocative.

Unfortunately, the casting was a little bit off. The lead female, or as I like to call her, hairy face, was a slight disappointment. Her singing is of the tenor and variety that makes you pine for the sweet tones of a down syndrome kid. Her presence on stage was slightly stronger than that of the 4 year olds who kept looking at each other as if to say a kid version of “What the fuck do we do now?” But Hey! At least she fucked up her lines.

Another casting blunder was that of the title character, Hans. She was an eighteen year old girl with an expressive face and good stage presence. The problem was the irritating need to have sex with her followed by the alternate washes of shame and guilt. It was quite frankly, not a nice element to put into a kids show. Whoever decided to cast a hot high school girl in a kids show is either a genius or a fucker. Or both.

Let me sum up my trip to Montana with three simple links. 1 2 3

There you have it.

I have just finished the brochure for the 2004-2005 Season at SRT, It will be online soon, and it looks really damn good, if I say so myself. TRY THAT NEAL STARBIRD!!!!!111

Sorry…I promised myself I wouldn’t get into it with “the starbird” this time.

Check out his wanton review in the Mercury here.

Rehearsals for Thrust! are going very well. It will be sexy, and provocative (cant be an SRT show without the word provocative.) It opens July 17th, so mark your calendars. The tickets are a provocative 12 dollars each, and we guarantee you will be wholly contented.

I must go now, I need to meet with my 16 year old female intern. Don’t wait up.

Just kidding Julie….I love you.

2004-05-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Landscape has one more weekend. Go see it!

The shows have been as empty as Michael Jackson’s Pez dispenser.
Thank god we got granted for money, without that, we would be known as Broke Raving Theatre. HAHA! Goddamn I am clever!

At least now we know a couple of things about this season.

1. Shows that did not do well : Weeping Woman / lansdcape with stick figures.
2. Shows that did do well : Faust. Us.
3. Shows that had Neal “I’m Italian and hot” Starbird in them : Faust. Us.

I think I see a pattern.

We need NEAL STARBIRD to bail us out of this school shooting induced kayak we are sinking in.

Thank God he is in the next show.

But wait… Julie Starbird was also in Faust. Us.

And NEAL Starbird was in Darkstep and Dawning…and that showed bombed with a capital C.

But JULIE Starbird was in Tundra. And that show made thousands.

Paul Floding was in Tundra…but he is also in landscape…so he cancels himself out.

Neal Starbird was in Cupid and Psyche…which banked pretty high, and Julie and Neal were in Frogwoman, which did above average.

In conclusion, Neal Starbird has been in 3 successful SRT shows and 1 bomb.
Julie Starbird has been in 3 successful SRT shows and 0 bombs.

I have decided that Julie Starbird is the Christ we need to save us, but Neal is a fledgling Christ. Like a Christ jr.

Rehearsals for the late night EXTRAVAGANZA “Thrust!” are going very well.
There is drama, and laughter, and tears.
Of course these are only in the rehearsal process, who knows what the show will be like.

BUT if I know theatre, and Gary Coleman thinks I do,
You should get your tickets to “Thrust!” asap!!

I have been called back for a movie where I play a child molester. A man-boy who fools around with his sister. For the original audition, I sat at a table and pretended I was eating cereal while glaring molester-like at my “little sister” who was actually an empty chair. The director gave me a particularly good note during the performance. He said, “try it more menacing-like.” Then he responded to me by saying “Oh..that’s scary.”

The production pictures from Faust. Us. are now online, check them out here.

I am currently putting the final touches on our new season brochure. It is pretty breathtaking, and I will post pictures and info as soon as I am allowed.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

2004-04-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

So I wasn’t cast in Hors de Oeuvres (duh)

Our little friend Neal Ass-bird was. As the lead.

Oh and if you haven’t seen it, and you want to see another reason why I hate Neal so much, go and see him in Lobby Hero....at ART....in a romantic role opposite my girlfriend. I am not making
this up.

Here's the catch....he's really good. AS USUSAL!

Well Neal, I want you to know that there's no hard feelings, and I hope you die a terrible death.

Did I say die I terrible death? I meant shine like the star you are.

A little Neal Starbird bashing always gets the creative juices flowing.

I have plunged face first into the show know as landscape with stick figures. It gives me the
chance I never have in life to act like an asshole.

So other stuff.

We have decided to take Stark Raving Theatre in an exciting new direction. That direction is having the staff of the company do my dirty work.

Yes Indeedy! Now all the wonderful people of SRT get to find out what the exciting world of marketing a non-profit theatre is like first hand, buy hanging up posters, calling newspapers 7 times a month, and stressing about finances.

And for an added bonus, the board members get to get their hands dirty. A little “cudge on the paws” as my friend Pat Allen always said.

I was cast in a commercial for AOL, as well as failed about 45 auditions miserably. It was great fun, I didn’t get cast in a car commercial, boat commercial, and Sports Illustrated commercial. Apparently they have my headshot mixed up with Skylr’s.

Anyway, I was cast as the loser/dork in the AOL commercial. Isn’t that exciting!?!?!

Well it aint glamorous, but it will pack quite a meaty check, and that’s all that matters, right George?

I found out something sad. My nemesis Matt *orris is leaving Portland so he can fail and annoy everyone in LA now instead of Portland. My hats off. I have a new nemesis, and my anger and hatred burns brighter for him than it ever did for Matt *orris. Matt? You’re Fired!

So anyway, about “landscape with stick figures” at Stark Raving Theatre. It is a docu-drama about high school shootings. It’s a ROMP! Come on out and see it! It plays two more weeks Thursday-Sunday at SRT. Make reservations today!

I am also rehearsing the show Thrust! At SRT late night. Its this comedy….no not comedy…it’s a serious, provocative….wait….its this show that’s got real funny life…..damnit…..It’s a show where Drew Barrios has sex with my girlfriend. Acting is FUN. My buddy Hot Toddy is in it, and he is now responsible for writing everyone else’s sketches because he made the mistake of trying to help people develop their ideas. Haha! Sucker! Not me! I keep my trap shut and let them write whatever they want.

This show is actually going to be pretty fucking cool. It opens July 17th. Oh and it’s the late night that shows after “Hors ‘de Oeuvres.” Some come on out and throw hot sea chum on Neal Starbird, then get ready to laugh….or cry….we haven’t figured it out yet, at Thrust!

So to address all the hilarious comments by my friends. I am sorry that I have to do so much work at my computer. Once I sit down, typically I work until I get back up. So if you don’t like the speed at which I blog, you can kindly lick my scroty. And go see landscape.

2004-04-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

I did not get discovered, and I am still here.

Blogging is hard for me.

I will start blogging more often, I am off to a rehearsal for Thrust! with my buddy Todd and bedridden girlfriend Julie

This might explain where I've been and why its been so long....

2004-03-22T13:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry about that...the link is busted

The link for the pictures is here.

2004-03-22T12:42:00.000-08:00

ok...

So its been a while, and a lot has happened.

My callback didnt go so well on Sunday.

I was called, read once, and was thanked and asked to leave.

It was pretty sad, I really wanted a part in this show, but
it really made me think about what I am trying to get out of
acting.

I usually don't bring up personal things that happen to me outside
of the area of acting, but I feel I must right now.

Julie is my girlfriend and has been wonderful to me this weekend.
She helped me re-evaluate my role as an actor and marketer and
we had a great dialogue. It is nice to be in a relationship where
I dont feel placated or ordered around. What Julie wants for me
is truly what is best for me, I am just blown away by her ability
to say the right things without trying to say the right things.
She really is the embodiment of relationship perfection.

Ahem....

So.

I decided that my marketing and acting lives are a little too close.
My audition was really rough, because I have been sitting with this
show for so long. I have read it a billion times, I knew almost everyone
who auditioned, I knew the director, the casting help, and even where
they bought the audition snacks, and how much they were.

I would like to go to an audition and say,

"Hi my name is Chris Murray, you might remember me from your fantasies.
I would recommend you just keep these sides and give me the part on the
spot because I am so damn sexy. BOOYAH! (I do a butter churn dance)"

Thats how auditions should be...not like this,

"Hi Matt...so you're "helping" huh? Ok then, can I read the side for...
....Hi Darcy....No I dont have that actor's headshot....No I dont have
his email.....I can get it.....yeah....So anyway can I read the side
for the kitchen scene with Charles and.....yeah Matt, I can meet on
Thursday....No I havent heard from the photographer....Yes I have
called him....No I dont know what Neil's conflicts for this show are...
sure I can go ask him...."

This isnt SRT's fault, its my fault for not drawing a clear enough
line between acting and marketing. Julie does it just fine, she works
for SRT and she manages to have a completely unrelated acting life.
Hot Toddy does it also by not working for SRT and not caring about the
weekly financial stress. Matt Loherke does it by touring with a children's
theatre and writing blog entries where he misspells the word "Tattoo."

My friends are doing it, it is time for me to as well.

On an unrelated note -

I might joke around a lot about Neil Starbird and how much I hate him,
and even though that fucker....I mean dude will probably get this part,
I don't want to misrepresent him. Neil is a very talented and VERY
hardworking actor in this town. He doesn't just swoop in with his pretty
blue eyes and grab parts from under my nose. He really works for them.
I will still continue to talk shit, because I enjoy it, but I really
want to set the record straight, he deserves everything he gets.

I also recieved the remains of the Monday photoshoot this weekend, and
let me say, Matt and I were none too pleased with the outcome. The pics
were improperly lit and shot, with cords on the floor, actors out of focus
and with their eyes closed, and people's heads comepletely out of frame.

It was kind of a nightmare.

With the combined wondertwin powers of Matt's critical eye, and my amazing
photoshop skills, (something I picked up from my days as a webmaster for one
of those porn sites that puts Jennifer Garner'shead on some naked crack
whore's body) we managed to make the shots look pretty damn good. Check them
out and congratuale us. Click here.

Also out of character for this blog, I just want to give a quick shout out
to Hot Toddy and my roomate Skylr for taking care of me last thursday for
my bi-montly "I get as drunk as humanly possible and proceed to knock shit
over and bitch at total strangers" event. The place was at CC Slaughters,
and they took care of me very well that night. Thanks guys, you my bros.

On the audition sides of things, other than my dissapointing Hors 'de Oeuvres
fiasco, I was called back to be on a billboard on East Burnside. Yes my friends
if things go well, You will see my adorable mug telling you that gambling is
indeed a problem for everyone, even cute little almost gay actors like me.

2004-03-21T09:31:00.000-08:00

ok I am about to go to the callback for Hors 'de Oeuvres and I am freaking nervous.

I know its been a while since I've written, its been a tough week, but I will write all about it soon.

Just send me positive thoughts today.

2004-03-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

Tough weekend...

So the fundraiser went well, thank you all who showed up to help! I got really drunk and told a wheelchair bound subscriber how in love I was. I also bid on $275 worth of auction crap and ended up winning it all. I won the following :

1 night stay at a bed and breakfast
1 gift certificate to a balloon store
1 gift certificate to blockbuster
1 gift certificate to a music store
1 set of acrylic nails
1 1/2 hours of a DJ
and 1 box of popcorn

I am so set for a night of drag, tunes, and food porn.

And of course, the next day, morning sex and hangovers ensued. Yippie!

Then, I had a 5 hour rehearsal....boooooo!

Afterwards, I rounded off my day watching Super Troopers. Matt, Pat, friends, you
must help me get my girlfriend to watch super troopers. You see, she is smarter than me, and has really good taste. You have to admit, the movie's concept and cover picture look pretty fucking stupid.

Please please please comment on how wonderful the movie was. Tell her it won a bunch of 'Can' awards or something. She must see this movie.

The next day, I had a marketing task. Let me tell you about marketing.

I was finally put completely in charge of a big photo shoot at SRT. I was very excited about this as our fearless leader is a little bit of a control freak. ( Matt if you're reading this, I am talking about someone else) The photo shoot was scheduled at 7:00. I showed up at 5:30 to get everything ready. The actors (12 of them) all showed up and I advised them on costume, color matched for the shots, framed all of the pictures, and provided a schedule for people to go home as soon as they could. Only one thing was missing.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER! THE FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER WASN'T THERE. THE ONLY
FUCKING PERSON I NEEDED THERE WAS NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND. JESUS
CHRIST THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME BEING IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT
AND THE GODDAMNED HIPPIE SOUL-PATCH GROWING PHOTOGRAPHER HAD NOT
CALLED OR SHOWED UP!

So I remained calm. After he was 1/2 hour late, I explained the situation to the 12 actors who were all in costume and makeup that the 1-2 hour photo shoot might be extended to 3-5 hours. They all seemed to take it well, and I proceeded to start calling people in my phone.

Now I might be a theatre marketer, but my telephone contacts are not the most developed in the industry. Once I got a hold of my friend Dave, local philosopher and late night security guard, I convinced him to bring his digital camera to the photo shoot. He purchased his camera at Radio Shack.

JESUS FUCK! RADIO SHACK? THIS IS FOR THE OREGONIAN, THE WILLAMETTE WEEK,
THE MERCURY...well I don’t really care too much about the Mercury, but still FUCK!

Dave showed up, and our set designer showed up. Both with mall bought digital cameras. Then I remembered the photographer also had lights and a tripod. Well I put some actors to work holding halogen lamps and garage shop lights. I stacked some boxes up on a TV and made a tripod. This was real renaissance theatre.

My fearless leader arrived and actually impressed me by completely staying out of my way. So me, Dave, and the set designer shot the press photos with boxes, lamps, and mall cameras. I am terrified to see what they might look like, when I get them, I will post them.

Callbacks for Hors 'd Oeuvres are scheduled for this coming Sunday. I am pooping my pants.

I also get to research prices for cheaply made programs and brochures. Any suggestions

2004-03-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well I had some audition fun today.

My car was in the shop, so getting around was a pain in my ass.

First I auditioned for a show on ABC called Gramercy Park. I think the goal of the audition was to see if the actors could get through their sides without laughing at the script. Thankfully I passed this challenge. (barely)

My lines were little bits of comic genius like :

"Guess you can be the president of my fan club"

and

"His name's getoff....its short for get-off-the-couch"

Goddamn! Hilarity!

If I get this part I will move to LA and live at the ABC studio, right after I shoot myself in the face with a harpoon gun.

After that romp, I went to shoot some pickups for the film The Decrypter.
If you have never shoot city pickups, you are missing out. I get to walk down a street while someone films it....for 4 hours. It is really exciting. Just walking here and there. I did manage to get a free dinner for it, so that's pretty sweet. (actors will do just about anything for free dinner)

Following my walking solo, I went to rehearsal for Landscape at SRT. I play a rough and tough thug with a pretty boy attitude. Which of course, is rad. Just to plug SRT some more, there is a fundraiser this Saturday at 6:00 at Hotel Vintage Plaza on 422 SW Broadway. The food is provided by Pazzo, and there will be pimp auction items. For details and reservations, please call 503-232-7072. Thank you

My friend Pat has a girlfriend from Never-Neverland or someplace, and she has an online
diary. It is a very cute diary and she seems like a very cool person. Please visit her and
leave a scathing remark on her tag board. Its FUN!

And if you didn’t get a chance to read Pat's review, I recommend you do here.
AND if you didn’t read Todd's daily tip about Snapple, you MUST..its here.

2004-03-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

I'll bet when the "Queer Eye" dudes arent in the spotlight anymore, they make a porno together

It would be called "Your Guy's got in my Eye"

Goddamn! With these ideas, I should be going places in no time flat.

It is a slow week for acting, that's just how it goes. With the exception of the callback for Hors d' Oeuvres this Sunday, there is nothing so far.

Marketing though, fuck.

I have been trying to get ahold of our photographer to shoot a press photo session, and he hasn't returned my calls. That doesn't seem to big, but when you have to schedule 12 cast members, a director, a costume designer and the marketing director (me), you sorta need the FUCKING photographer to return your call.

I currently have 2311 emails in my inbox that read :

To : Chris
From : Random Cast Member

"So is the photo session on Monday? Tuesday? What's going on?"

Christ...

I have a rehearsal tonight for a late night show about sex. It is going to be in your face, and brutally honest. You know what that means? Titties, and lots of them....Booyah!

Oh and send some love Todd's way, he is having a weird week.

2004-03-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well, auditions for Hors 'de Oeuvres officially started today.

I think I gave a pretty good audition, and I was called back for two roles!
K-RAD!

I was called back for a role that I never even considered, and although I like to be a spotlight grabbing stage queen, its a really funny part.

Not the lead, but hilarious, which is just as good.

I really had nothing to say today besides that, other than you simply MUST read my friend Pat's review of the movie Passion of the Christ. It can be found here.

2004-03-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

BUSTED!

Neil Starbird read my blog thanks to his interfering southern wife Julie.

Neil claimed he does in fact have theatre training, and actually got his
undergrad in theatre. Well whoopdy-Doo, he is still a menace to mediocre
actors everywhere and must be stopped.

Oh! And Rollin Carlson is no longer auditioning. He got cast in something else. Which is great for him, and not too bad for me...heheh

That having been said, I had a busy day yesterday.

I was called back for the Oregon Lottery commercial, thank Christ.

My line had such impact on them, they wanted me to come back and say it
again. I worked all night on it, getting to bed around 4:30 in the morning.

When I showed up at the audition at 10 AM, (FUCK! I AM AN ACTOR TO AVOID GETTING UP EARLY!) I found that Neil Kopplin was also called back.
I also found that I was called back for a different role.

"I see!"

I said to myself

"They want me to read for something else, that's why they called me back"

I got a new treatment of the script and I prepared my lines. My lines were
as follows :

"..............."

Yep, no lines. Called back for a no line part, I love this industry.

Once inside, the director sat in his little chair (which was tough since he was
a fat ass) and gave direction like he was Lean.

"More subtlety! Make me believe! Make the non-words jump off the page!"

And so on. I left soon after.

Later, around noon, I had a meeting with a movie director for a movie deal. I
was instructed to bring my resume, headshot, and scale. (money per day)

I decided my scale was $250 a day for a lead role, and $150 for supporting.

Hey I can dream right?

I met this man at Coffee People, and he proceeded to tell me that he had tricked
me. I swear to God, he had a class in Filmmaking management where he needed to meet
with actors, location scouts, light people etc. and get them to sign on to this
imaginary film.

Once he told me that, he then asked me for my conflicts. I told him since the movie wasn't going to be made, I had no conflicts. He understood.

After that delight, I was called in to audition for a music video for the band,
Audio Learning Center. This video would potentially be played on MTV, so I
was totally apathetic!

Not that I hate exposure, just that I hate people who crave it so much, that I, in essence, can't enjoy it. Its like a song your ex-girlfriend likes so you cant anymore.

Anyway, it was a delightful audition filled with polaroids and silent acting.
I never know why audition people take so many polaroids. Do they have a contract
with the company? Who knows.

After all that fun, I went home and stressed out about SRT's fundraiser.

I need to get people to come to a fancy dinner at $35 a head.

Anyone interested?

Oh and you can comment now, so let me know if anyone is actually reading this.

2004-03-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

Welp, gay marriage is officially legal in Portland today. I am sure Hot Toddy has a lot to say about that, being that he's gay.

Most people would take the opportunity to say how amazing of example this is of social change, and the oppressions of yesterday being shattered.

Personally, I would rather talk about my sub-par audition I had for the Oregon Lottery today.

I feel pretty bad about helping to promote gambling, since it gets us into more of an economic
mess than we can deal with, but if they want to pay me a shitload of money for 30 mins of work,
then I say lights, camera, action!

As I walked in at 10 AM this morning to audition for this cute little ad, I saw several actors I knew.
Neil Koplin was in both Harvest of Fear and Loser's Lounge with me. We exchanged a few words
and he told me that he was forced to watch my performance in the Hewlit-Packard audition
yesterday as an example of how to do it.....rad!

Three more actors that I didnt really know, but since they seemed to remember me, I faked it,
then walked in. They also told me that they were forced to watch my audition yesterday as an
example of how to sculptor and be lovingly. I love this business.

I sweated as I approached the office of Lana Veekner, and make sure I was totally off book.

Then I slated, and said

"Oh man! Try her!"

Whew....my perilous audition was over.

Oh yeah, if you want to see a rousing scene from The Decrypter that I am in, click here!

2004-03-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have been so excited about auditioning for the next show at SRT entitled "Hors d'Oeuvres"
As Marketing Director, I have read it about 100 times to prepare for the campaign.

Now I want the lead.

Let me tell you. There is some stiff ass competition that scares the shit out of me.

I will be auditioning against
Neil Starbird, Micah Klatt, and Rolin Carlson
These three men are quite possibly the most talented young men in this city.
God-Damnit
Julie thinks I should see it as a wonderful challenge, after all, how gratifying is winning when there is
no one competing against you? Pretty damn gratifying
Neil Starbird never went to school for acting, no acting classes, nothing, and he stands as one
of the most accomplished young actors around. The most annoying part, is that he is such a nice
guy, and a cool person. I hate that.
Micah Klatt has shared the stage with me countless times, and is one of the most hillarious young
performers around. Since this is a comedy, and he just finished one quite like it, I might be
fucked. Also, a nice person.
Rollin Carlson is a guy I havent seen since high school. In high school, he got every goddamn part
he auditioned for. Huge problem, he's also a really, nice guy. Oh...and that asshole won a DRAMMY!
So I am auditioning against three iron-clad actors for this role, and they are all REALLY nice.

This is the worst day of my life.

I did however, get to go to a rousing audition for Hewlit-Packard.
I waiting in the lobby of Danny Stoltz's listening to him blather on about Elephant. For 30 mins, it was
terrible.... Once in there, I was pleased to see I was reading for this horrible spot with Kristen Brown,
a local equity actress. The production director slated me, then told Kristen that she was supposed to
be "sculpturing" some art, and I was her "lovingly" boyfriend. I guess production direction is a
community college offered major.
I then pretended to be in love with Kristen, taking pictures of her with a camera small enough
to pick a lock with, and sighing lovingly smiles.
Kristen Brown has been in more shows than God, and here we are, fake sculpturing and
pretending we are in love.

Its a funny business some of us have chosen.

2004-03-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well Hot Toddy has spoken about me in his blog, so I guess I need to keep writing this one.

I have recently done the marketing for a local high school's show Ablaze. This was supposed to be a simple project that wouldnt take up too much of my time.

Now I dont garnish the kind of respect I am due, like this guy, but I work hard for SRT and I feel people think I do a pretty damn good job.

So you would never think I would receive this email out of the blue

From : Annoying High School Kid
To : Director of Marketing

"Why are the pics on ur (yes he said "ur") website so low quality? I need higher quality pics now!"

I was taken aback slightly by this child's brazen email, I guess his school newspaper is more important than paying me common curtesy, but I pleasantly sent him his precious higher quality pics and imagined sliding a knife between his ribs.

My girlfriend Julie...well....girlfriend is such a Hallmark word....my.....current life partner......bag o' fun....shit...my special friend Julie just got called back to multiple shows at ART. This is no small deal. She is very talented and I am very happy for her. I have never worked for that theatre. They dont seem to want me. I totally understand why they would call her back and look completely over my head. Its fine with me. I am not jealous at all.

Ok I am a little jealous. It is very hard to mix acting and marketing, and I don't get to go to as many auditions as I would like. That of course is not her fault. Thank God they see what I have seen for so many years, that she is amazing on stage.

No...I don't do respectable theatre....I do pizza ads. I study my lines very hard and I get into character very seriously.

Just a while ago I had a line in a Les Schwab commercial....you MIGHT have seen it. I said

"There's a Les Schwab around the corner"

It was MAGNIFICENT! I was ELECTRIC!

Or my sharebuilder.com ad where I said the clincher line :

"That sounds great!"

It still haunts those that watched late night TV

But nothing is better than my Hollywood Video commercial. I studied my line for hours for this one. I said

"..............."

Yeah NOTHING! I said nothing! And I got to audition for it for 2 hours!

But I dont need ads! I have a sucessful movie career.

Just this year alone I did 4 motion picture blockbusters.

The Twilight Conspiracy, Loser's Lounge, Isolation, and The Dectrypter

You might have seen them...if you like watching poorly made films!

Why no link to Isolation? Because it ran out of money and stopped production! AHhah!

ok....so my acting life is not the most glamourus, or the most respectable,
but I keep acting. In crappy ads, bad plays, and poorly lit movies, I keep doing it

Because I love it

2004-02-29T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well here we are getting started. Its Sunday, and I got back from auditioning for this guy's new movie. As soon as I arrived I saw about 500 people already waiting for me. I stood around with people who have never appeared in so much as a toothpaste ad. I thought because I was represented, I stood more of a chance than a buncha kids that read the Willamette Week and thought this would be a great way to stand around for 4 hours on a Sunday. But No..... I was in with them all. One kid asked me.

"What is that piece of paper?"

To which I responded,

"That's my resume."

To which he stated,

"I didn't know you could get a job here."

I left my resume and headshot there and promptly left.

I dont know about this whole Blog thing, my friend Hot Toddy set me up with this account, but I dont understand how people will actually find and read this on the internet. It must be like theatre marketing. I need to do research on other people's blogs? Is this how the backbone of working America goes through their workday? Blogging? I know its how Toddy does.

I work for Stark Raving Theatre as their director of marketing. This means I stare at a computer screen for 5 hours a day at an ad I am designing and say to myself

"Is this sexy enough?"

Its great.

I dont have anything else to say. I guess I'll go read Toddy's blog